


I Will Never Be The Same (And You're To Blame)

by Stegaysaurus



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, this is just really sad ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7679113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stegaysaurus/pseuds/Stegaysaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Arin dies in a car crash, Dan doesn't know how to handle himself. Everything is cold, and someone needs to help him over it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Never Be The Same (And You're To Blame)

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know where this came from but buckle up and prepare for some poorly written sadness.

Dan felt suffocated in his suit. Suzy had stood next to him in a black dress, staring at the ground while everyone gave their quiet condolences. Her makeup was streaked and her face was red and puffy from crying. Everyone had passed him by. He understood, he was just the best friend, not the wife. Everyone had left the cemetery hours ago and left him here alone. Even Suzy, who just patted him on the shoulder and strode away in silent tears. 

So now here he was, clean dress pants gathering dirt every time he shifted on his knees. The clouds overhead were grey and predicting rain. Dan could care less. He stared at the words engraved on the stone in front of him. “R.I.P Arin Hanson, loving husband”. He was so much more than that. Loving husband, caring friend, amazing person. Love of Leigh Daniel Avidan’s life. No one knew that part of course. And now neither would Arin, because of a stupid fucking drunk driver.

Dan suddenly felt hot, blood boiling and something hot rising in his throat. He didn’t realise he was screaming until he felt his throat burning. Several people around him were staring, but, once again, he could care less. Scalding streaks burned down his face, and it took him a minute to realise they were tears. It took him another minute to realise he was crying. 

“Fucking Arin, you weren’t supposed to leave yet. YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO DIE FIRST.”

The exclamation was ripped from his throat, along with bone rattling sobs. 

A shy looking woman approached him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Was he your partner?” she asked in a quiet voice.

This only caused another round of sobs to erupt from his throat, shaking him to the core. He didn’t even notice the woman slowly backing away. He didn’t notice when the rain started to come down in sheets, soaking him through his suit, the fabric clinging to his skin. All he felt was the cold creeping of mourning and the hot, blood boiling rage at the man who killed his best friend. And to think he was let off with involuntary manslaughter and a DUI, twelve months and probation. Dan was left with the rest of his life without his best friend. He was so busy planning murder that he didn’t even notice when Barry came up behind him, changed out of his funeral outfit, with an umbrella. He didn’t notice he was shivering until Barry brought him back to reality with a hand on his shoulder.

“Dan, let’s go home,” Barry murmured, the look in his eyes more sullen than the one he had given Suzy when he gave his condolences. His face was still red. 

“Just a little longer, Barry.”

“Dan it’s almost ten o’clock.”

The older man looked around, seeing the setting sun.

“Oh.”

“C’mon, Dan.”

“Barry..”

“I know.”

“You don’t.”

“I do. Suzy said you can sleep there tonight.”

He nodded slowly, joints creaking as he stood. Barry held the umbrella over both of them as he led Dan to the car. Once he reached Arin’s house, he stumbled over the thresh hold and was wrapped up in a hug by Suzy.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” she mumbled, voice frail. He slumped against her, sobbing loudly into her shoulder. The height difference made this position uncomfortable, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about a lot at the moment. 

Not the uncomfortable position, not the soaking clothes, not the chill that remained in his bones. Not the fact that Barry had said he knew. Not the fact that Suzy was now treating him like the mourning spouse.

She led him to the bedroom she had once shared with Arin, slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He just stared at a picture on the wall. It was a picture of him and Arin at his wedding, one that he didn’t think would even make it into the album. One he didn’t even know was taken. He was practically on top of Arin, cake smooshed in his face as the chair teetered dangerously. It was all caught in a single frame, a single second of time. No outsider would know that after the picture was taken the chair fell and Dan laid sprawled on top of his friend. They wouldn’t know what the laughter that filled the room sounded like, or how Dan laid there just an extra second to listen to Arin’s heartbeat. How he had rubbed the frosting on Arin’s cheek. Yet, it all played through Dan’s mind like a movie. Made his heart soar and sink at the same time.

“...loved you, too, you know,” he heard Suzy saying.

She was holding a dry set of clothing. Arin’s clothing. His shirt and suit jacket were discarded on the floor in a sopping pile.

“What?”

“He loved you, too. I tried to encourage him, told him I wouldn’t mind, but he didn’t wanna make it awkward if you didn’t love him back.”

Dan was stunned into silence. He loved Arin. Arin loved him. They could’ve had something. It was all taken by a person none of them even knew.

He wanted to scream again.

“Dan,” Suzy called, bringing him back to the present moment. “Dan, go take a shower, okay?”

She gently pressed the clothes she was holding into his hands. 

“Then put those on, I’m sure he won’t mind.”

Dan wanted to laugh at that. Dan wanted to cry at that. 

He did neither, just nodded and tried not to drag his feet too much as he walked to the bathroom. His fingers were numb as he stepped out of his pants and boxers, yanked off his soaked socks. He must’ve left his shoes by the door.

He turned up the shower until he was sure that if he went any higher he would actually melt. He stepped in, relaxing under the burning water. He didn’t know how long he was in there, but the chill in his bones felt as if it had slowly leaked out of his toes along with some of the sadness. Some.

He shut off the water, stepping out and drying off with a towel left on the counter as memories flicked past in his mind. He dried his hair, remembering how it would feel when Arin ran his hands through it after a long recording session. How he would try and fix it only to end up with it even more mussed and tangled than before. How gentle his hands were when he helped him put it in a bun every now and then.

He pulled on the pants, remembering how many times Arin had pantsed him in the office. How he had once gotten his pants completely off and tossed them over the ceiling beams while he was napping. How he had gotten him at least ten pair of jeans last Christmas simply because he didn’t “want sexy kitten to scrape his knees if he falls.”

The shirt, memories of how many grump sessions they had done shirtless simply because it was too hot and the AC would make too much background noise. How he had begged Arin to put it back on or at least put on deodorant because his man stank was suffocating.

His other clothes were gone and, though Arin usually filled out his clothes nicely, they hung limply off Dan’s form. He had to pull the drawstring of the sweatpants almost as tight as it would go so they wouldn’t just slide. If he closed his eyes and imagined really hard, he could imagine that he was about to walk in the bedroom and see Arin asleep in his bed, be able to curl up next to him and kiss him on the cheek and murmur how much he loves him. That would never happen now.

He felt tears welling up in his eyes and blinked them back. He had to be strong, Arin would want him to be strong. He exited the bathroom, wandering into the guest bedroom to find Suzy rocking slightly on the bed, staring off into space. She wore grey pajama pants with little black cats printed on them and one of Arin’s hoodies.

“Scuze?” he questioned quietly.

“Huh?” she mumbled, blinking up at him hazily. Her eyes were slightly red and puffy, teardrops clinging to her lashes like crystals. 

He sat next to her, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “Why are you in here?”

“It’s..s’too painful to sleep in there, it all smells like him.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded slowly, looking up at him. “Do you wanna sleep in there?”

“I mean..if you’re okay with it. I could sleep on the couch, too.”

“No, no. It’s okay.”

He nodded slowly, stroking her back. She leaned into him slowly.

“Hey, Dan?” she mumbled, voice quiet and shy.

“Yeah, Scuze?”

“I love you.”

He paused.

“Not like that, not romantically. Not like we loved Arin, or he loved us. Like, Like more than a brother but not the same way as a partner, y’know?”

He nodded, he did know. He felt as if all the grumps felt that way about each other.

“I love you, too, Suze.”

She sighed quietly, eyes drooping. He laid her back, pulling up the covers and flipping off the lights. She hummed a quiet, sleepy thanks as he shut the door.

He was alone again. He dragged his feet down the hallway to Arin and Suzy’s room. Letting himself fall face first into Arin’s pillows.Taking a deep breath, he let out a sob. He cried himself to sleep, careful not to get too many tears on Arin’s pillow or wake up Suzy.

= 

The next morning was hard. He had a stuffy nose and puffy eyes from crying himself to sleep. He had a death grip on Arin’s pillow that left his fingers sore and they had to record a final video today. This wasn’t like when Jon left. There would be no period of strained silence about Arin, no new Grump to his Not So Grump. Game Grumps would not continue on. He didn’t know what they would do, maybe continue Stream Train and Grumpcade, but Game Grumps wouldn’t be a thing anymore. 

He waited for Suzy to wake up, forced down a bowl of cereal, and they hopped in Arin’s car. They silently agreed to ignore the fact that it was Arin’s car because he had taken Suzy's that day. Everyone at the Grumps office was eerily quiet and reserved, all holding back tears. Ross immediately came up to him and buried his face in his chest, squeezing the air out of him. Dan made no move to stop him. He’d known Arin longer than all of them and, as heartless as he could act sometimes, he knew this was a big blow. A huge blow.

Once Ross loosened his hold, everyone was herded into the recording room. Dan was there to actually do the video, but they all knew he would need a shoulder to cry on and someone to take over if he got too choked up. And a person to take over if the second person got too choked up.

They all sat down on the couch, squished together. Suzy sat on the end of the couch, where she did for their Q&A videos, with Dan to her right. Ross and Barry sat next to them, Vernon and Kevin all the way at the end. Brian squished himself into the remaining bit of space on the couch. Jack stood behind the camera, eyeing them all sadly. 

“Go,” he mumbled, hitting record.

Dan leaned forward.

“Hey everybody,” he said, trying to maintain his usual charm. “As you can-as you can probably tell by the title of this video, something very very bad has happened. Arin,” his voice broke and he had to pause, “Arin was hit by a car, a drunk driver. He’s no longer with us, and..well, the asshole that hit him got twelve months, probation, and a DUI. We’re left one less grump, one less best friend. Because that’s fucking fair.”

Hot anger boiled under his skin again, tears gathering in his eyes. He felt Suzy’s soft hand on his shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ross cover his mouth with his hand and squeeze his eyes shut.

He took a deep breath, clenched a fist.

“Sorry. It’s, uh, it’s hard. Anyway, we won’t be contin-continuing Game Grumps. Sadly, this isn’t like when Jon left. I don’t think we’ll be replacing Arin.”

“We will be continuing Steam Train and Grumpcade, until we decide if we wanna actually keep going with this channel. They may be a little down for awhile, but we’ll try our best to stay positive for you lovelies,” Ross said, a slight smile on his face. It didn’t reach his eyes.

“And who knows,” Barry chimed in, “maybe we’ll post the extra GG videos we have on GrumpOut.”

“It’s a tragedy, and, and we’re all gonna need some time to recover. Some more than others, so Grumpcade might have more guests than grumps for a while,” Brian said quietly.

“On the bright side,” Dan said, voice wobbly, “we won’t have to deal with A-Arin’s man stank.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he shot out of his seat and nearly sprinted towards the door. A sob was ripped from his throat before he could get out, and he was positive it registered on the audio. He heard Suzy and Ross stand and follow him. He slumped against the floor just outside the recording room, burying his face in his hands as he was sandwiched between two smaller bodies.

“I can’t believe I said that,” he choked, bottom lip quivering.

“Hey,” Ross said softly, “you’re making light of a dark situation. That’s good.”

Suzy ran her hands through his hair, hugging him close.

The rest of the grumps came out minutes later, teary eyed and holding each other. Barry held the SD card from the camera in one hand, his other arm around a slightly shaking Vernon. He was tucked under Brian’s arm.

“I’m gonna go edit this,” he said quietly, slipping out from between Brian and Vernon although Vernon followed like a lost puppy. Brian sat down across from Dan as everyone else dispersed.

“Can I talk to him for a moment?” he questioned quietly, glancing at Suzy and Ross.

They shared a short glance before standing and leaving.

Dan felt the dark tendrils of anxiety creeping in as he felt the warmth beside him leave. 

“Dan,” Brian said.

Dan did not react.

“Daniel.”

Still no reaction.

“Leigh.”

Dan’s head shot up, sad brown eyes meeting soft blue ones.

“I’m sorry.”

Dan threw himself at Brian, almost knocking the older man backwards.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.”

Loud sobs were forced from the lithe body as he curled against his longtime friend and band mate. Brian stroked his back slowly, rocking him like a child.

“B-Bri.”

“Dan.”

“I loved him, Bri. I love him.”

“I know. We all knew.”

Dan’s sobs quieted slowly until he was whimpering against the older man’s chest. He lifted his head slowly, locking eyes with Brian. He lunged forward suddenly, pressing a messy kiss to the other man’s lips. Brian pushed him away, eyes stern.

“Daniel.”

“I-I love you, Brian.”

“Not like you loved Arin. Don’t do that to yourself.”

Dan just curled up against his chest, staring at the wall. Brian was right, he didn’t love him the same way he loved Arin. Arin was gone. Arin was dead. Arin had been killed.

This didn’t bring hot anger like it did before. Instead, it just brought a cold, black acceptance. Arin was dead. He didn’t love Brian like that. He didn’t love Suzy like that (though he didn’t doubt that he could, given time). Arin wasn’t coming back. Dan felt so alone. Dan felt so surrounded by people, good people. He knew if he kept this up it would be like his depression, his OCD, again. 

Arin was dead. He accepted this. In his head he imagined himself at a lake. The same lake from all those years ago. He imagined Arin pills in his hand. He opened the bottle. He shook out a single, light pink pill (what other colour would they be, honestly). He held the pill tight. If things got too rough, he could remember Arin. But Arin was gone and he couldn’t rely on Arin. 

He held the pill.

He closed the bottle.

The pill went into his pocket.

The bottle went into the lake.


End file.
